You look at your website and see a few little tweaks that need to be made, so you drag your happy ass over to some freelancing website to look for someone to do it. You could do it yourself, but you’re way too busy with all your other highly important business bullshit. Instead of explaining what you need done, you vomit some nonsense onto the keyboard and end up with a job posting like this.

Really? You don’t say? Only an hour…

Why this makes our heads explode

1. You’ve told me jack-shit nothing about the project.

Sure, you gave some “useful” – by your standards – details. It’s WooCommerce and WordPress. Fanfuckingtastic. Since you’re the expert here, obviously those are the things causing the issue. It couldn’t be some other plugin, or a problem with your server configuration or…what. What the fuck is the problem again?

2. You’ll tell me more after I’m hired

That’s lovely. I don’t know what type of work you need done – design, development, problem with the server, problem with the installation, problem with an API. It could be anything! In case you’re having trouble seeing the issue here, imagine this: You’re hunting for a job, open up the newspaper and see there’s a job opening along with an address. Just send in your resume. No indication of what the job is. Will you take the bait? Chances are you wouldn’t, because you’re not a totally masochistic dumb-ass who likes to waste their time.

3. You tell me how long it’s going to take

Isn’t that special. Whenever I see a client tell me how long it will take, I imagine the thought process goes something like this: “It looks really easy. If I Googled it, I could have it done in an hour. Instead, I’ll hire someone else to do it so I can continue to jerk off over all the money I made this week.”

Something clients don’t realize is one the things you pay us for is a little thing called scoping. The process is really very easy. You tell us what needs to be done. In a few hours (or days, if the project is large enough), we’ll come back with a proposal which outlines what needs to be done, how long it will take and how much it will cost you. The best part is we do this for free.

4. You issue a challenge

Please, don’t insult my intelligence by stating some variant of “if you know what you’re doing.” Stating shit like that is a sure-fire way to get all the good developers to ignore your posting, because it makes you seem like a pompous, arrogant, pain in the ass that we’ll want to fire within 2 hours of starting the project.

How to Avoid Being the Douche-bag

If you want to find a competent developer, don’t ever assume a project is “easy” for the right candidate. You’re not a developer, and probably don’t have the first clue as to how this should be done. Remember, you’re paying me to do this for you. Right. The first time.

“But my neighbor’s kid said…” So hire your neighbor’s kid to do it.

But, feel free to retain my e-mail address, because you’ll probably be getting in touch in 2 to 4 weeks to fix what he broke.